Note: This is a sporadically recorded log of updates about my health and experiences with the healthcare system. For full documentation, please request directly or consider a career with the NSA.

June 1, 2025
My co-pay for a general practitioner and urgent care costs the same amount. That’s why I went to urgent care for my swollen ring finger, even though it wasn’t all that urgent. I picked at a hangnail, and then it got infected. I looked away as the doctor drained it. She said it was good that I did, because “only men pass out” during these procedures. I suppose most men aren’t dealing with body fluids like women. I am thankful that my finger didn’t need to be amputated, because then someone might say “I ain’t see no finger on that ring!” which would be a massive own.

Also, as of today, it has now been six years since I last drank alcohol. It’s exciting, but not as exciting as the first year. Just feels like another day!

March 31, 2025

Since my recent shoulder dislocation, I have been discharged from physical therapy – honorably. But, the recovery is not yet complete.

The representatives of the Physical Therapy Limited Liability Corporation recommended a smartphone application, where they could continue to assign tasks as part of a “home exercise program.” Sadly, my home does not have the equipment necessary for me to honorably complete my tasks.

As such, I have signed my name on 5 separate documents to join the neighborhood gym, which based on the volume of paperwork also appears to be operating within the limits of liability.

The gym’s workout room is cozy, and I felt entirely visible lifting an 8-pound kettlebell above my head.

Unfortunately for me, the sweaty ladies and gentlemen of the gym exercised using headphones, so I was unable to clarify to them that, while my weight amount was noticeably lower than theirs, I was simply following the instructions of my physical therapy mobile phone application. Honor isn’t measured in pounds.

January 12, 2025:

After the CEO of UnitedHealthcare got assassinated, presumedly for the company’s industry-leading claim denial rate, I thought, among other things, “I am paying a lot of money for my health insurance, and I should take advantage of its perks.” In 2024, I only earned $20 of $200 possible gift card rewards available in my health insurer’s loyalty program. Why charge less money when you can gamify customer health instead.

So I started the new year with flu and COVID vaccinations, as well as a regular dental check-up and a visit to the chiropractor. A good start to my mission to reclaim value and earn health insurance rewards in the process.

But they say you should be careful what you wish for.

While playing organized adult men’s basketball on January 6, 2025, a 250+ pound man tried too hard to get a rebound, shoving me to the floor despite my legal box-out position, and then unathletically falling on me. It was only called a foul after it was clear I was writhing in pain.

Due to the angle and his presumed lack of attention to health insurance rewards that might have reduced his size, I dislocated my shoulder. This sounds relatively harmless, like the phrase “collateral damage,” but it was agonizingly painful. Per E! News, Mariah Carrey once compared the pain of her dislocated shoulder to the pain of birthing twins. So, I get it, ladies.

About 4 hours after the initial dislocation, my right shoulder was un-disclocated, or re-located, or simply located (the medical community and I have not yet reached consensus).

Tomorrow I have an appointment scheduled with an orthopedic surgeon to fully assess the damages and understand recovery.

Hopefully I get a bigger gift card this year.

August 2023:

The beauty of science is that theories evolve. I ruined Thanksgiving last year by testing positive for COVID-19. My (now) wife and I both got it, possibly from an Eight Mile pop up #brand activation, possibly from a ratty CAVA near Little Italy, possibly from airplane. We did NOT get it from Whiteclaw, as we remain booze-free.

Against some odds, I ran my first sub 4-hour marathon in December 2022. Many people are comparing it to Michael Jordan’s flu game, but according to MJ Lenderman, there may be some “science” involved with that, too.

June 1, 2022:

It has been three years since I consumed alcohol. During that time, hard seltzers became a thing. I have never had one. I also have still not tested positive for COVID-19, despite living life to the fullest extent you can with a full-time job and no alcohol. Trains, planes, Austin motels. Concerts, comedy shows, a circus. Some of the nastiest elevators with the bald eagle-est bandanas around. All this, and no COVID!

The logical conclusion – that doctors are too afraid to admit – is that Whiteclaw causes COVID-19.

December 2020:

It’s my disappointment to report that I’ve been without health insurance since January 1, 2020. This was my choice. It didn’t make sense to spend $700 a month on inconsistent coverage just as I entered a period of unstable employment, also known as freelance work.

Of course, I didn’t expect New York to be walloped with the plague, nor did I expect the federal government to look the other way as NYC largely didn’t align with its core voter base. A crime against humanity! So, I lived without health insurance through perpetual sirens in the world’s epicenter of a new, wildly infectious virus that overloaded the healthcare system.

Some might say, “Wow. You live in a failed State!” But, that’s not true. At least in New York, the State didn’t want me to die. We’re not Florida.

No, it was actually the free market that wanted me to die. And nevertheless, I persisted 🙂

Thankfully, the State of New York, which sat on its hands too long but eventually provided more leadership and honesty than the significantly better-funded federal government, has provided free COVID-19 swab testing and antibody testing to its residents.

And – get this – from wearing a mask regularly and avoiding close indoor contact with others whenever possible, I tested negative for COVID-19 antibodies in early May 2020. I also tested negative for COVID-19 after attending protests in June, and I tested negative again for both antibodies and the swab test prior to an out-of-state trip in late July 2020.

That said, in November 2020, I travelled via airplane to an hourlong indoor wedding, which shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Regardless, over the course of 2.5 weeks, I tested negative for COVID-19 on four separate occasions, likely the result of wearing both a mask and face shield in close quarters.

Other than this, I recently paid $40 for my annual flu shot (September 2020), regularly wear contacts to see life’s little details, and intermittently deal with light allergies related to declining air quality.

Also, in April 2019, I shattered my humerus in three places by throwing a dodgeball too hard. It wasn’t funny.

Hopefully there will be nothing else to report here, but please stay tuned for additional medical information!